قافلة طبية لليبيا...Medical Convoy to Libya

تحديث هام: نظرا لتوافد اعداد كبيرة على الحدود في احتياج لمساعدات طبية تقرر رحيل القافلة اليوم الاربعاء 23 فيراير مساءا. برجاء سرعة الاتصال بالنمر المعلنة للمساهمة في القافلة

Due to increasing number of people on boarders needing medical help, Convoy will leave Tonight Wednesday 23rd Feb. Plz contact the enlisted numbers rapidly for your contribution

ساعدونا في النشر

عن صديقي مالك عزام:

سلام عليكم يا شباب

طبعا كلنا عارفين الوضع في ليبيا اليومين دول، وازاي الحالة بايظة هناك..علشان كده انا ومجموعة من اصحابي هانروح انشاء الله يوم الخميس علي الحدود..هانشتري كمية دوا كبيرة انشاء الله وهانحاول نوصل الدوا ده لليبيا باي حال من الاحوال..

لو ماقدرناش ندخل الدوا هانحاول نكون هناك علشان نساعد علي قد مانقدر..

تخيلوا ان فيه مليون ونص مصري هايكونوا راجعين من هناك..فاكيد المستشفيتين بتوع الجيش مش هايكفوا..واي مساعده ممكنة هاتكون مطلوبة انشاء الله..

احنا محتاجين ايه:

1- اطباء من مختلف التخصصات يكونوا مستعدين يكونوا معانا لمدة علي الاقل يومين.

2- ممرضين علي استعداد للمشاركة لمدة يومين 

3- كميات مختلفة من الادوية (مرفق انواع الادوية المطلوبة)

4- مساعدات مادية لشراء الادوية والمستلزمات خاصة وسائل الاتصال لطمئنة اسر العائدين او الليبين الموجودين علي الحدود.

5- ناس تساعدنا في جمع الاموال خلال المظاهرة المليونية غدا انشاء الله...

اللي يقدر يساعد ياريت يتصل باي من الارقام التالية:

محمود ابوالفتوح 0165539014 

مالك عزام 0174057333

محمد مأمون 0106719997

تيمور انور 0168786885

شكرا

Greetings friends,

We are all aware of the situation in Libya and how difficult it is right now. So a group of friends and I are heading to the border this Thursday night. We will purchase a large amount of medical supplies and hopefully be able to send it to Libya. In any case, if we are unable to do so we will remain at the border to try and help as much as we can.

1.5 million Egyptians will be making their way to the border, so I am sure you can appreciate that the two field hospitals set up by the army will not be enough to treat the injured. Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated. We will be needing the following:

1- Doctors of different specialities willing to stay with us for at least 2 days;

2- Nurses prepared to participate for 2 days; 3- Different types of medicine (list attached);

4- Financial assistance to buy medicine, basic food and water, supplies and communication devices to communicate with the families of Egyptians returnees or Libyans at the border;

5- Volunteers to help with collecting donations during tomorrows march in Tahrir.

If you can help with any of the above please call:

Mahmoud Aboulfotoh 0165539014

Malek Azzam 0174057333

Mohamed Mamoun 0106719997

Teymour Anwar 0168786885

Thank you

Salut tout le monde,

Bien-sur on connait tous la situation en Libye et c'est pour cela que je vais aller avec un groupe d' amis jeudi a la frontière. On va acheter une grande quantité de médicament et on va essayer par tout moyen de les faire passer au Libye.

Au cas ou on ne pourra pas faire passer les médicaments, on va essayer d’être présent pour aider le mieux possible.

Imaginer qu'il y aurait 1.5 milions d’égyptiens qui rentrent a travers la frontière, et certainement les 2 hôpitaux de l’armée ne seront pas suffisants, donc n'importe quelle aide est demandée.

Ce que dont on a besoin:

1- Des docteurs dans toutes les spécialités qui seront prêts a être présents pour au moins deux jours.

2- Des infirmiers prêts a participer pour au moins deux jours.

3- Des différents types de médicaments (une liste des types de médicaments demandés est attachée).

4- Des aides financières afin d'acheter les médicaments et les outils nécessaire, surtout des moyens de communication pour rassurer les familles des égyptiens qui retournent ou des libyens présents sur la frontière. 

5- Des gens pour nous aider a collecter de l'argent durant la manifestation de demain (mardi)

Ceux qui peuvent aider, veuillez contacter les numéros suivants:

Mahmoud Abou El Fotouh: 0165539014

Malek Azzam: 0174057333

Mohamed Maamoun: 0106719997

Taymour Anwar: 0168786885

Support revolutions of the people!

When we were in Tahrir square our hearts were warmed by the flood of news of global demonstrations in solidarity with our revolution.

I remember how I would hug my phone whenever I receive a photo showing people from other countries holding a banner with " Down with Mubarak" or when some stranger sending me " We are with you".

It was a bliss, to feel that all over the word people are praying for our victory & safety, and when Mubarak finally stepped down, they were as excited as we were and celebrated for us & with us.

Now IT IS OUR TURN. The revolution wave we welcomed from #Tunisia , has now passed on and sparked revolutions in many other countries and THEY NEED OUR SUPPORT.

Join us Monday 21st Feb in a solidarity march with nations fighting to win back their freedom. 

We'll start at 3 pm infront of Bahrain embassy & Algeria embassy as well (they are facing one another) in Brazil st. in Zamalek, then we'll move to Libya embassy, pass by Tunisia embassy to chant our thanks. All of these are in Zamalek. we'll then move to Dokki where embassies of Jordan, Syria, Yemen & Iran are located. 

If you can't join us at 3 pm, make sure you join us around 5 pm infront of the embassy of Iran, in Refa'a st. off Mesaha square  in Dokki .

الشعب يريد حق الشهداء...We want the rights of our martyrs

نجحت ثورة شعب مصر في تحقيق مطلبها الأول بقطع رأس النظام الفاسد ولكن مازالت هناك مطالب عاجلة لضمان حياة كريمة وديموقراطية للمواطن المصري.

إن دم الشهداء الذين قدموا حياتهم فداءً للوطن يدعونا لمواصلة النضال لتحقيق كل مطالب الشعب المشروعة.

مطالبنا الفورية هي:

1-      حل حكومة شفيق التابعة لنظام مبارك وتشكيل حكومة كفاءات.

2-      الإفراج الفوري عن كل معتقلي ثورة 25 يناير.

3-      محاكمة قيادات وبلطجية الداخلية والحزب الوطني عن الجرائم التي ارتكبوها في حق المتظاهرين.

4-      تفكيك جهاز مباحث أمن الدولة.

5-      الإعلان عن خطة زمنية لإيقاف العمل بقانون الطوارئ.

6-      إطلاق حرية الاحتجاج السلمي لكل المواطنين.

موعدنا الجمعة 18 فبراير عقب صلاة الجمعة في ميدان التحرير

 نكرم الشهداء ونواصل المشوار

We want the rights of our martyrs 

The revolution of the Egyptian people succeeded in attaining its first demand: the regime was beheaded when Mubarak was forced to step down.  But we still have to ensure that the rest of our demands are met in order to ensure democracy and dignity for ourselves and our people.

 The blood of our martryrs, who sacrificed their lives for the sake our people, bonds us to stay committed to fight till we get all the demands of our people.

 Our immediate demands:

1. The dissolving of Shafiq's cabinet and the formation of a technocrats' cabinet.
2. The immediate release of all protestors who were detained during the revolution.
3. The trial of the high ranks of the ministry of interior and the National Democratic Party for the crimes they committed against the revolutionaries. 
4. The dismantling of The Directorate for State Security Investigations.
5. The announcement of a timetable for the end of use of Emergency law.
6. Granting the right of peaceful protest for all Egyptians

Our next gathering will be on Friday the 18th after the Friday prayer in Tahrir Square

to pay respect to our martyrs and to continue our struggle. 

شاركونا الثورة

الاصدقاء و الزملاء

الفترة اللي فاتت كانت اكتر فترة مكثفة بالاحداث في حياتي, بس كمان كانت اكتر فترة حسيت فيها بانتماء و حب للبلد دي.

لو كنتوا موجودين يوم الأربعاء و انا شايفة شباب صغيرين بيمشوا بشجاعة يواجهوا رصاص حي و هم كل اللي في ايديهم حجارة وخردة مرمية بيحاولوا يحموا نفسهم بيها كنتو اكيد هتتأكدوا - لو كنتوا شاكين- ان دول ناس نازلة تجيب حقها و حق اهلها باستماتة.

وانا هناك 5 ماتوا . ده يوم الأربعاء, يعني بعد خطاب مبارك بساعات.

مافيش حاجة عملها مبارك في حياته تخليني للحظة اديله ثقتي, بس في ليلة واحد الشباب و العائلات اللي هناك في ميدان التحرير عملوا حاجات كتيرة تخليني اثق فيهم لاخر الطريق

 انا عشت هناك طول الفترة اللي فاتت فمش محتاجة دليل على ان الناس اللي في ميدان التحرير مش عملاء, و مش مضحوك عليها, و مش بيدعوا لخراب البلد, دول ناس رايحة تثور على الفساد اللي كلنا بنشتكي منه من زمان و تجيبلنا حقوقنا.

لو ماكنتوش اتفرجتوا على العاشرة م النهاردة اللي استضافت الشاب وائل غنيم اللي كان محتجز لمدة 12 يوم و لسة خارج. و هو المسئول عن صفحة " كلنا خالد سعيد" على الفيسبوك و اللي ابتدت منها الدعوة ليوم 25 يناير, يا ريت تشوفوها

روابط لجزأين من الحلقة

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gpzo9016oQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSKuFpSJzMU

يا ريت تساندونا في ثورتنا لاستعادة بلدنا. في يوم من الايام هنقدر نحكي لاولادنا و احفادنا اننا كنا جزأ من ثورة 25 يناير

منى

I was not brave, I was protected!

Whatever memories #Jan25 leaves me with, Wednesday night will be deeply carved in my memory.
When Al-Jazeera called, they couldn't pick a more intense, more dramatic moment to do so. Ambulance running in and out, people screaming and shouting, young men triumphantly facing their death, me crying helplessly and the sound of gun shots echoing in the background of all this.

The next day I found out that this call spread globally and won me many solidarity emails, tweets and calls. I wanted to respond to them all, I wanted to clarify alot of things but I was so angry. So angry at a world that stands by watching brave kids and men face death for the follies of a -should be dying- old man. So angry at people sitting warm & comfortable at home, condemning those in Tahrir, while they are sacrificing their lives for each and everyone of us.

I got many comments on how brave people like me are what makes revolutions happen. I have to clarify this: I was not brave, I was protected. 
The battle extended over the night. It started with rocks & glass, moved onto Molotof cocktails , then there was gun fire. The army was there motionless, and at one point they even all went down and hid in their trucks.

I could never find the words to describe the bravery I witnessed that night. Hundreds of young & old men rushing unarmed to face the cowards hired by Mubarak's bastards, responding to gunshot with rocks, grabbing anything from the ground that could be used as a shield.  You hear the gun shots, you see some of them falling, others rushing to carry them, Ambulance rushing in to take the wounded and the dead, as more rush in to the front line to face the same fate. If you hear loud prayers as they are carrying their comrades know that we've lost another one of us. All this as the army is watching, Mubarak is watching, the world is watching, and no one is stopping this.

The center of Tahrir square was safe. I could have stayed there to eat, sleep or even listen to music. I could have done all this and not even a flying rock could have harmed me, only because there were hundreds risking their lives out there for our safety.

When you are away from Tahrir square, listening to the stories about it makes it seem much more scary and terrifying than it really is. But when you are among bandaged people who wake up singing and chanting, kids running & playing, strangers offering you food and insisting you take it , strangers smiling at you as you greet them with "good morning", you would feel warm, hopeful, optimistic but definitely no fear.

That night made me fully realize, the Egypt I really want is that of Tahrir square. The people there are what Egypt is all about, and I am with them in whatever fate awaits us.

I am exhausted!

I can't sleep. My head won't stop and give me a moment to rest. Too many precious moments need to be etched in my memory and I have no time to linger on them.
I feel Like crying, laughing and screaming.
Images are racing by, I need to capture them. Just spit any vague words to remind me of them later. When Mobarak leaves I'll have the time to stop at every image and savor it, for now this has to be enough:

They hit us bad. They shot tear gas at us, I saw ppl running and screaming, and all i can remember is the tweeted instructions " Do not rub ur eyes" I tried, I really tried, but my eyes were on fire, I didn't rub them though but ended up walking blindly into a wall. Then someone carried me up onto a small garden in the middle of Tahrir square, helped me and stayed there to make sure I am ok while bombs were still falling around us. This was 1 of many strangers I would momentarily bond with over the next dew days.

Then they beat everyone up. Total chaos. Rocks, Batoons, Water from fre trucks, I saw many wounded, minor wounds but they shocked me, I didn't know yet that this was nothing compared to what awaits us in the next few days. Amidst all this my dear JarelKamar came running at me, shielded my back with his body and ran with me away from the flying rocks.

A while later I felt more at ease wt all these gases and flying rocks. I came prepared for minor injuries, so I walked around to check if anyone needs help. I tended to a few wounded then came 4 guys running at me, they looked like the kind of guys I would normally avoid in the street for fear of sexual harassment, but they were running for my help, one of them was injured from a rock thrown at him by the police, I helped them with it which was followed by a moment of them cheering me and my gad3ana . This was just so wonderful.
Ofcourse it helped that I had a recent scar on my chin with stitches which they asked me about and to which I laughingly said " I fell at work yesterday, I came to the demo fully prepared wt my own scar" and we laughed together before running again

I walked the streets with men and women, of all sorts of backgrounds. Never have I felt a sense of belonging like then, like now. I was happy just to be in the streets sitting in close proximity with thousands of strangers, snuggled in a warm cocoon, liberating Tahrir square, marking it as ours.

There is much more to tell. Many stories that must be told. I owe it to the people who allowed me to briefly share it with them, but I am really exhausted now.

Around me, friends are sleeping on couches, on the floor, in any empty space they can find.

I call them friends eventhough half of them I've never met before this week, but so many things happened, together we shared intensely charged emotional days that we became friends rapidly.

Yesterday I was terrified, I was freaked out like never before. I was shaking in bed trying to convince myself to sleep. I actually thought of writing a note and posting it on my fridge incase I died. Now I feel elated.

I have lived to see the uprise of the Egyptian people and the downfall of Mobarak . I can dream about having kids and me telling them proudly that I was part of this extraordinary moment.

This is my place.

These are my people,

and we just seized our country back.

Long Live the Revolution of The Egyptian People

Urgent appeal نداء استغاثة

استغاثة لوزارة الصحة و الهلال الاحمر و و القوات المسلحة 

الادوية اللازمة لعلاج المصابين في المظاهرات تنفذ في المستشفيات العامة 

و الصيدليات. برجاء سرعة توفيرها لانقاذ حياة المرضى

Help needed from the Ministry of Health, the Red Crescent and Armed Forces:

Essential medicine and medical aids are needed to cure injured people from the protests. They are running out of hospitals and pharmacies. Please provide them to save lives of injured people.

National Powers coalition statement

The People Demand the Overthrow of the Regime

 for Dignity, Freedom, Social Justice Fellow Citizens,

In this critical time and to confront Mubarak's efforts to abort the revolution of the Egyptian People. We – the political Forces – call on our fellow citizens to hold on to their demands and in its forefront:

1- the resignation of the president

2- Forming a Temporary Government from forces trustworthy by the people that excludes members of NDP with all its figures and leaders, its first job being the immediate release of all political detainees.

3- Taking those responsible for the policies that impoverish and torture

4- Freedom for all sectors of the population to form their own free organizations

And until realizing these demands we call on all our fellow citizens to:

1- Announcing a general strike starting tomorrow Sunday 30 January 2011

2- Forming popular committees in all neighborhoods to protect the assets of the people against all destruction administered by the dying regime to deform and abort the revolution of the people

Long Live the Revolution of The Egyption People All the Freedom to the People .. All the Loyalty to the Nation

شاركنا يوم 25 يناير

قعدت يومين باحاول الاقي حجج قوية ليه الواحد ينزل بكرة و ماكنتش عارفة اوي

لما سألت نفسي انتي نازلة ليه, الاول اجابتي كان فيها حبة يأس. انا نازلة زي ما بانزل في حاجات كتيرة, بانزل عشان ابقى حاسة اني عملت اللي عليا و حاولت, فاعرف انام بالليل.

بس امبارح كنت باحاول اساعد في تجميع هتافات للموقع ده , فرجعت اقلب في الهتافات اللي كنا بنهتفها و مسجلينها على تويتر في بداية أحداث خالد سعيد, و فجأة افتكرت

افتكرتنا و احنا ماشيين في شوارع وسط البلد بنهتف بقوة " لن يكفينا شرف المحاولة... احنا شباب بنواجه دولة"  و " مصر يا أم ...شبابك اهم  ...دول عشانك شالوا الهم... دول يفدوكي بالروح و الدم" 

وقتها حسينا احساس كان نادر جدا ان انه يتوحد جوانا كلنا في نفس اللحظة: حسينا البلد دي  بلدنا ,شوارعها بتاعتنا, و الناس اللي ماشية جنبنا و بتكلمنا أهلنا. 

و دلوقتي كل اما باعدي من شارع شريف و من باب اللوق بابتسم و باهمس لنفسي " المنطقة المحررة" :)*

اتمنى نعيش الثورة بس خايفة ما نلحقهاش. لكن اللي متأكدة منه ان كل واحد مننا لازم يعيش اللحظة دي, اللحظة اللي بيبقى ماشي فيها كتفه في كتف واحد او واحدة مايعرفهمش بس همهم واحد , بيهتفوا بصوت واحد و مصدقين ان البلد بلدنا و ان خلاصها بايدينا.

*"المنطقة المحررة" استعرته من اصدقاء اطلقوه على جزأ من شارع عبد الخالق ثروت اللي شهد اعتصامات تضامن من شباب و نشطاء مصريين لحركة استقلال القضاء 2006,

** الصورة للرسام كارلوس لطوف, برازيلي من أصل لبناني و متضامن مع احتجاجات 25 يناير. مصدر الصورة

روابط هامة: 

كل ما تريد ان تعرفه عن مظاهرات 25 يناير

جبهة الدفاع عن متظاهري مصر و أرقام للطوارئ

تابع تغطيات المشاركين على تويتر لحظة بلحظة هنا 

عايزة امشي

عايزة امشي
امشي كدة زي ما انا على مكان بعيد و ابتدي من جديد. ما اخدش معايا موسيقى, ولا ألوان, و لا كتب, و لا تناتيف افكار كتبتها من قبل كدة
و لا صور

او يمكن صورة سناء و ماما و بابا و علاء و منال و ستو و بس

تعبت من وجع القلب

بس كدة

دفئ  ...

Home again!

For years i had one gang of friends that are like family to me.

They've been part of my life for many many years, We've lived many lives together, We were together at times of happiness, embarrassment, pain, farewells. We've seen many things together that now it seems the natural thing to do to share with them  my most treasured thoughts and events.

When I was leaving the one guy I really loved, knowing they were there gave me strength to hold on to my decision despite the pain and confusion.

We grew up together. We fought, we yelled, we laughed, we danced. We danced alot, and laughed alot.

Since 2000 we celebrated every new year's eve together. But as we grew up, it got harder for all of us to gather. Some were abroad to study, and some traveled alot with their work.

This new year's eve however was different. Amr was back from France. Emzo, Dj and Basma came from Uk. Kerstin and Nora came from Germany.

True we weren't all there, we were still missing some, but still this kind of gathering didn't happen in a long time. So this new year's eve was special, and we were all excited about it.

And it was great. One big bubble of happiness, music and childhood memories. I was lost in warmth and an enormous gratitude for life. And when this song started to play, we hugged each other, jumped together as we loudly sang: 

" Dancing in the moonlight

Singing in the rain
Oh, it's good to be back home again
Laughing in the sunlight
Running down the lane
Oh, it's good to be back home again"

.

حاسة اني هاتخنق

Mourning

January the 7th of last year, originally a festive day for Egyptian Copts was smeared with blood and darkness. This year, new year's eve was killed for them as well. Seems like everything beautiful in this country is dying.

I had hopes for this year.
I truly hoped it'd be gentle but it started with awful awful news 

Bygones

I am scared of being alone.

I claim to be a solitary person, a person who appreciates her isolated bubble, but I abandon my bubble most of the time just because I am scared of being alone.

ًWhenever I like a guy, I focus on the things in him that are missing in my life and blur out the rest. I fool myself into thinking I am in love and it could last.
It's not like I do this on purpose. When it is happening I totally believe I am in love. It's only when I step out and away that I realise the true depth of my feelings.

I love being in love.I love falling in love, this journey of discovery you embark on when you get to be with someone new, and the feeling that, right now, your are leaving your own  scent  in someone's memory .

I've never been really alone. I always had someone on my mind, someone occupying a big part of my thoughts and plans. 

I needed this presence in my life, someone on whom I could project my imaginery world.

But He was different.
 He was different because despite the harsh way with which things ended, I truly loved him.

I know loving him was an important experience for me. Something I had to go through to be who am I now.

I owe him many of the new layers and colors I've gained through the past years. 
With him I discovered a sensual side in me that I've always dreamed of but never truly felt.
In loving him I explored an amazingly wide spectrum of emotions. He'd come in the room and I'd melt on the spot, he'd write me that he misses me and my butterflies  flutter, he'd smile at me and I'd completely dissolve in colors. Together we explored the sexiness of words, of textures, light, lines, colors and curves. 

When I first saw him I dove right into love.Thiss sweet chidish rush-on love. 
There was something incredibly sexy about his grounded knowledgable manner, the grace with which he walks, his obssession with details. 
I was so mesmerized.

I was so in love. 

Then my feelings changed. They were not these volcanic costantly stirred up emotions. They settled down a bit. There was a peaceful element I have never experienced before. I loved just  studying while he sits close by, snuggling close to him while he is talking all serious with friends.I was warm and content.

Then one day I woke up and it was all in the past. It all belonged to a less complicated, more translucent version of myself.

I can not explain how this all changed in me. There were many layers to this decision: Exhaustion, my need to be free to explore other worlds, and a cold wall of loneliness that slowly isolated me from him and our colors.
.

My conviction that this was the right decision never wavered, but whenever I look back I long for the intensity with which I received every small gesture of him. 
I long for a time where life was simple, where it was all about the right music, the right color and a flare of imagination.

من مذكرات الساحرة

كنت دايما بارجع لكلامه في دماغي لما اتوه عن نفسي

بافتكر ازاي بيشوفني صغيرة و نقية و لسة يا دوبك باستكشف بخطوات صغيرة عالم جديد مثير

كل اما اكبر كل اما تخبطني اكتر قساوة الدنيا. السنة اللي فاتت اخدت خبطات مؤلمة جدا. اعترف بان فيه منهم كنت رايحة لهم بكامل ارادتي , لكن فيه منهم اخدتهم على غفلة. خسارته كانت على غفلة ,و الغريبة انها اكتر خبطة وجعتني

  سنتين كنت قاعدة متصورة اننا بنمر بمرحلة في صداقتنا و هنسترجع علاقتنا زي ما كانت زمان., بس اكتشفت ان دي خيالات العيلة اللي جوايا و ان الحقيقة ان فيه علاقات فجأة بتغير مسارها و لازم الواحد يتقبل ده و يحاول يستكشف الطريق الجديد.

بس من فترة قريبة قابلته, و للحظة استرجعت ومضات من علاقتنا القديمة.

.كنت صاحية في حالة تسامح مع الدنيا و في حالة حنين للناس اللي ممكن يحيوا جوايا النسخة الملونة مني. فكلمته و قابلته.

من زمن ماحستش بالراحة دي في الكلام معاه. ماكانش فيه ادعاء, ماكانش فيه توقعات و ضغوط و غيوم سودة طابقة على روحنا. الطبقات القاسية اللي اكتسبناها على مدار سنين دابت و رجعت انا البنت الصغيرة اللي بتحاول تدعي الشجاعة و تواجه الشارع, و هو الولد الجدع اللي تبناها في صمت.

كان نفسي احكيله ازاي مشيت و انا ممتنة اليوم ده. اكنت عايزة شكره على الدفا, الذكريات, الرضا, الدلع,بس اهم من ده كله , على انه ساعدني اضيف اخر غرزة في جرح  كنت فقدت الأمل في انه يلتئم.

ملحوظة: التدوينة دي بدأت في كشكول الساحرة الشريرة في يناير و اكتملت النهاردة :)

Kiss me

So, kiss me

سلام

I was created with love!

When I was young, I had a theory about love. My theory was that the more pleasure and love a man and woman share during sex, the more beautiful the kids they will conceive.

My theory was based on solid evidence. People commented on how me, my brother, and my little sister were beautiful kids, and I knew for sure that my parents invested a great deal of love and pleasure while creating each one of us.

I love stories. I love attaching stories to small moments that may seem insignificant to others. So, I'll share with you my favorite one.The story of how I was conceived:

I was created with love.

I was born while my dad was in prison.

He was sentenced to spend 5 years in prison because he was part of  a communist group opposing Mobarak and his regime.

When the verdict came, my mother was not in Egypt. Their friends managed to hide him away and bring them together before he goes to prison.

Mama knew Baba will be away for years. They both wanted a baby girl and she thought that having a baby would soften the coming years with out him. So they hid away, took their time in creating me and in bidding each other farewell.

When they were certain my mother was pregnant in me, my dad went and turned himself in.

I had images of visits to my dad in prison. Blurred images stored in my head. It was strange because I was too young to remember. But when I sat with mama and described the images and she confirmed them. Then she started telling me how it was.

Alot of her friends shielded their children from this. They thought that exposing their kids to seeing their dads in prison is a harsh experience that they should try to avoid as much as possible.

Mama thought differently. She thought this should be a day to celebrate. She turned it into Eid day. She would dress me up in a nice dress, arrange my hair in my favorite updo (i used to call it the palm-tree style :) , and we go visit Baba in our most colorful bubble.

I remember that one of the guys working there used to prepare a box full of sweets and biscuits for me to take every time i visit. I also remember a small black board and me drawing cats with chalk. Back then I didn't know how to draw anything but cats.

When Baba got out of prison, he came back with a treasure of stories. My dad could do magic with simple words. He could change the bleakest moments to colorful wondrous stories.

My favorite bed time and travel stories where of his time in prison.

It took me years to realize that this place which was the source of an amazing fountain of childhood stories, was a place where my dad was severely tortured.

It was silly because I was old and I knew many stories of activiist friends who were tortured, but the childish part in me refused to allow it to sink in till my first year in university when there was no way I could escape the truth coz I had it right in my hands, ink on paper.

Those are the people who raised me up.

This is the kind of love I grew up around.

This is the kind of love I've been seeking ever since I could remember.

When I was seven, I walked into my parents room unannounced. I saw him kissing her stomach tenderly. I squeaked an apology, ran to my bed and hid under my covers. Mama followed me, and with a smile asked me what I wanted. I told her I just wanted to make sure she remembers i have an exam tomorrow. ( hehe I was such a nerd!)

Years later this image returned and assumed a new meaning for me. Suddenly this memory wasn't about a moment of embarrassment but rather of discovery. I knew then that there was more to love than what I am grasping. I also knew that for always this image will be my definition of love.

Now every time my soul gets bruised and I lose bits of my wings I remind myself that love - like what mama and baba share - is waiting for me around some corner in my future.

What keeps me going despite the pain and disappointment is the belief that at some point in my life I will meet someone and in my mind see him kissing my stomach tenderly for the rest of my life.

?

I remembered her

years ago
She was so in love

How did she end up here?

قرار

صحيت الصبح بقرار: امبارح كانت اخر مرة اعيط عليه

هاستمتع باستعادة حياتي و اصحابي و اهم من كدة ... نفسي

اخ ياني!

راجعالك يا قاهراني!

3 اعتراف

خايفة ارجع خايفة اما افتح باب الشقة يخبطني الوجع تاني خايفة بعد اما اعلق كل الحاجات اللطيفة الملونة اللي جبتها لشقتي الف ورايا و ماليش حد اشاركه حماسي فيخبطني الوجع و النبي يا رب ساعدني مش عايزة ابقى عاملة كدة تاني

J'ai tout oublié

J'ai tout oublié quand tu m'as oublié

محمد

ضحكت و قلت لصاحبتي " تحسيهم سرحوا عنكبوت و بعدين رسموا شوارع دمشق عالمسارات اللي اخدها" كنا تايهينز او مش تايهين بالظبط, احنا اكتشفنا ان احسن طريقة للوصول للاماكن اللي خططنا اننا نزورها هي اننا نتمشى في المنطقة اللي فيها الاماكن و بالشبه كدة ناخد اي حواداية يعجبنا شكلها و غالبا هنتكعبل في معظم الحاجات اللي بنحاول نلاقيها. و ساعات نسأل الناس على الاماكن. اول ما يسمعوا لهجتنا المصرية يتحمسوا جدا لمساعدتنا. حارة صغيرة ضيقة, عربية سادة الطريق بتحاول تعدي من غير اما تخبط في عربية تانية راكنة في الطريق اللي وسعه زي حمام بيتي. انا و ل كنا هناك بنحاول نلاقي "خان أسعد باشا". و احنا مستنيين العربية تنجح في محاولتها عشان الططريق يسلك و نعدي, لقينا أم و ابنها واقفين جنبنا, فسألناهم عن الخان. الام ابتسمت و شاورتلنا اننا في الطريق الصح, و قالتلنا نمشي معاها. العربية عدت و مشينا. وطت الأم على ابنها و قالتله يدلنا عالطريق. ابتسم الابن و بحماس ابتدى يرشدنا. و اما كان بيتلخبط حبة في الاتجاهات و زحمة الناس اللي بتشضتري حاجة العيد, صوتها من ورانا كان بيجيلنا بالراحة و يفكر محمد باننا النفروض نحود شمال دلوقتي. محمد ولد جسمه ضئيل و ضحكته تحببك في الدنياز عرفنا اسامي بعض, و سألني على اسم "رفيقتي" و سألني انا منين من مصر. و مشينا انا و هو في صحبة صامتة -معظم الوقت - مع بتادل ابتسامات هادية و مريحة. اما وصلنا, شكرنا هم جدا, الام بصبرها و بشاشة وشها, و محمد بجمال ملامحه. و انا بالف ادخل الخان استوقفني صوت محمد و هو بيلوح بايده بحماس و بصوت عالي بيقوللي " باي باي منى" اللحظة دي قلبي داب و عرفت ان النسخة الصغيرة مني اللي عندها لسة 6 سنين احتواها الحب :)

?

What if I never get over this heartache?

خدعة

خدعتني دمشق استقبلتني بزحمة و دوشة و هجوم من عربيات التاكسي الصفرا زنقت جسمي في وسط المشاة و حاولت ما احسش ان اتضحك عليا. كنت باسعى لسكينة و هدوء لكن استقبلتني زحمة شبيهة لميدان العتبة  بس فجأة في اخر شارع زحمة بالمحلات و الناس اللي بتشتري حاجة العيد, فاجئتني دمشق بفقاعة دافية. ساحة واسعة الحمام فيها بيطير, سكينة و هدوء برغم الناس الكتير اللي في المشهد. ساعتها رجعلي امل ان سوريا تداوي جراحي

بدايات جديدة

بالرغم ان كشكولنا لسة فيه صفحات فاضية ما اتملتش, لكن لازم اسلم بان قصتنا انتهت.

هاقفله, و اركنه عالرف.

هامسك كشكول جديد و في اول صفحة بتأني هاكتب:

بدايات جديدة

Mirror talk

I tried to understand why did it hit me the hardest.
He wasn't my longest relationship, and I definitely didn't plan on staying with him forever. Yet I have never experienced such heartache.

I felt so helpless.

I think what made it much more painful is that it took me by surprise.
All my other realtions took their time. They hit their peak, then declined, and when they ended it was past their expiry date. When they ended there was a hidden part in me that was secretly relieved and looking forward to new begnings.
But this one ended at its peak for me. It ended when i just laid down all my defenses and start planning ahead. We were going to travel together, study together, and share the same space for a while. I let him inside my bubble. I even lent him my bubble.

It feels like chest pains. Like you are walking around carrying heavy weights on your chest and around your neck.
I train myself to take deep breaths to try to ease out the suffocating feeling I have. It doesn't work. all the time.

I hated how I felt, it made me feel pathetic, nothing like the strong girl I know I am.
First I tried to pretened - almost believed it- that I am not hurting. I went on about my life as usual, but I felt heavy and stiff. I filled my schedule so that I am completely exhausted by the end of the day.
Then the crying frenzy began.
I cried everywhere with out any triggers, I just cried. I take a cab and I cry. I go to work and I cry. I run into him in the cinema and I cry. Every night I call him and his rejection hits me again, and still I cry.



2 days ago I went back home with one purpose, to cry my heart out. If crying is what it takes to get over this heaviness, then I will cry till I can breathe normally again.

I did.

My mother came to check on me, my sister lingered around helplessly offering to get me icre cream or make me tea, and I cried my guts out. I cried till I fell asleep.
I woke up several times during the night, but when I finally left my bed in the morning, I was greeted with the morning sun and I could breathe normally with no tightness in chest.
I felt momentarily light.

I know the icey heaviness will return, I know I still have more crying to do before I completely dust this ache off, but for now I will enjoy this temporary bliss of lightness.

رقصة

 كانت عارفة ان فيه وجع مستنيها في اخر الطريق. من الاول و هي عارفة بس برضو كملت. جايز بتصوراتها الطفولية كانت مستنية تحويلة سحرية تنقلها على رملة دافية و مياه و موسيقى قبل اما توصل اخر الطريق و يخبطها الوجع.

التحويلة مجاتش, و الوجع على بعد نفس

للحظة كسرها الخوف. حنت راسها, غرزت رجليها في الأرض, غمضت عينييها و قررت تتشبث بمكانها لاطول فترة ممكنة.

يمكن قوة الوجع تخبو. يمكن لو فضلت ساكنة كتير في مكانها التقل اللي جواها يروح و تشيلها الرياح بهداوة لعالم جديد.

بس فجأة تملكها الغضب من انكسارها, و افتكرت انها في الأول و الاخر بنت امها

ففردت ضهرها , فكت شعرها , حررت ابتسامتها , قلعت الجزمة و رمتها بعيد, و بخطوات حافية و خفيفة اخدت النفس و رقصت للوجع

الحالة صفر

اشعر بثقل سنوات من العمر. سنوات تنكرها شهادة ميلادي , و تشهد عليها فتات روحي

أهلكني الحب

اهلكتني رحلتي في البحث عن خفة الروح
اختلط الامرعلى قلبي فظن تآكل الروح خفة

اشعر بارهاق مهلك
لم تعد فكرة الرحيل تزخرف خيالاتي.  تبدو لي الان خاطرة مرهقة, تتطلب الكثير من الالوان.

 تغيرت الصور في خيالي.
الان تداعبني خيالات النسيان,
اللون الأبيض,
 الفضا,
 طمس الالوان,
النقاء التام لأزقة ذكرياتي ...العدم.
 ان استيقظ يوما بلا احباء,
 بلا تطلعات,
 بلا انتظار,
 بلا اشتياق,
 و بالأخص... بلا حنين .

Butterfly kiss

عنها

من اسبوعين فتحت درج مردوم تراب و طلعت منه كروت و صور انا مجمعاها و لزقتهم على الحيطة 

الكروت جمعتها على مدار سنين من أماكن زرتها بجد و اماكن تانية زرتها في خيالي

واحد من الكروت يشبه رسوماتي. خلفية حمرا و مليانة عصافير كتيرو كل واحدة لون شكل.

  كنت فاكرة ان كل الكروت دي انا اللي جايباهم و مافيش حاجة مكتوبة فيهم, بس من كام يوم في لحظة الدنيا كانت فيها تقيلة  على قلبي و بين ضلوعي كنت حاسة بالواح تلج , شديت الكرت الملون عشان الهي نفسي بيه و اكتشفت ان جواه كتابة حروفها مش

واضحة 

و افتكرت

كان اخر عيد ميلاد ليا قبل اما تسيبنا 

ايديها كانت خلاص تعبت و بتترعش و صعب عليها الكتابة

كنت باقعد جنبها و تمليني و انا اللي اكتبلها تقارير الطلبة و تصحيحات الكتب

يوميها اصرت ان هي اللي تكتب, و جابت القلم و بالراحة وبخط مهزوز و كلمات مايلة كتبتلي

"......كبرتي يا صغيرة "

افتكرت,و التلج ذاب. قلبي دفي و ايدي قفلت على ايديها. وطيت و بوستها في راسها و قلتلها ماكانش المفروض تسيبيني

النهاردة الذكرى التالتة على رحيلها

 3 سنين مرت و لسة باكلمها في دماغي. واما باعمل حاجة شقية باعتذرلها عشان هي اكيد شايفاني

ستو...وحشتيني