Mirror talk

I tried to understand why did it hit me the hardest.
He wasn't my longest relationship, and I definitely didn't plan on staying with him forever. Yet I have never experienced such heartache.

I felt so helpless.

I think what made it much more painful is that it took me by surprise.
All my other realtions took their time. They hit their peak, then declined, and when they ended it was past their expiry date. When they ended there was a hidden part in me that was secretly relieved and looking forward to new begnings.
But this one ended at its peak for me. It ended when i just laid down all my defenses and start planning ahead. We were going to travel together, study together, and share the same space for a while. I let him inside my bubble. I even lent him my bubble.

It feels like chest pains. Like you are walking around carrying heavy weights on your chest and around your neck.
I train myself to take deep breaths to try to ease out the suffocating feeling I have. It doesn't work. all the time.

I hated how I felt, it made me feel pathetic, nothing like the strong girl I know I am.
First I tried to pretened - almost believed it- that I am not hurting. I went on about my life as usual, but I felt heavy and stiff. I filled my schedule so that I am completely exhausted by the end of the day.
Then the crying frenzy began.
I cried everywhere with out any triggers, I just cried. I take a cab and I cry. I go to work and I cry. I run into him in the cinema and I cry. Every night I call him and his rejection hits me again, and still I cry.



2 days ago I went back home with one purpose, to cry my heart out. If crying is what it takes to get over this heaviness, then I will cry till I can breathe normally again.

I did.

My mother came to check on me, my sister lingered around helplessly offering to get me icre cream or make me tea, and I cried my guts out. I cried till I fell asleep.
I woke up several times during the night, but when I finally left my bed in the morning, I was greeted with the morning sun and I could breathe normally with no tightness in chest.
I felt momentarily light.

I know the icey heaviness will return, I know I still have more crying to do before I completely dust this ache off, but for now I will enjoy this temporary bliss of lightness.