الاثنين، أكتوبر ١٦، ٢٠٠٦
A year has passed...
Is it only a year? feels like ages since i was that girl. Too many things happened since then, feels like i am trying to compensate for the lost years, in just a few months.
I can still see myself back then, so surrounded by pain, trying hard everyday to dig out the strength that keeps me going till the next day, fighting away reality, and hanging onto the illusions he presented to me. It was so much easier going on with something familiar, even if painful, than taking on a decision that would swallow me in the unknow, for how can i be sure that the unknown would be any less painful??
I was getting more exhausted with each passing day, and bit by bit, i lost every feature of my life, i had no one back then, even my friends turned their backs on me, and i was all alone, with him. Maybe that is why i didn't let go earlier, he was the only one who needed me.
How did i endure it? it amazes me at times when i realise i was willing to give up on every dream i had, everything precious, to keep my energy for him, just to make us exist, just that, so we can be.
It's quite ironic how i can sit in my place and list a few things that i would never accept in my life, but in reality, i can always find reasons to compromise that list. i could find an execuse for anything within me... but i always had the deep belief, that when u forgive , one day when u need it, u'll be granted that same forgiveness. It was never that way.
When i am down, i can only remember his dark side, it takes alot of conscious effort to retrieve the good moments, but there must have been, otherwise how did i hang on?
Nothing prepared me for my life with him, nothing prepared me for his anger, his aggressiveness, mood swings, or his extreme tenderness after lashing out at me. I was never prepared to deal with his shouts, lies, tears, or being locked up. Only my stubborness, fantasies, and his moments of kindness, which were rare with time, pulled me through it.
He was sick, and it was beyond me, i couldn't understand his sickness, and i could not handle it, and everytime my bitterness overcome my fairytale beliefs, and i had so much anger and pain helping me to turn my back on him, fate mocked me, and presented me with a new event that made it impossible for me to walk away, an accident, death of a close friend of his, just anything...
How can it still hurt me till now?
Losing him doesn't hurt atall, i didn't lose him, i gave him up, and i should have done it 2 years earlier. It's allowing myself to get lost that still hurts, it's remebering the lost chances that can never be recaptured.
I hurt my self, by giving up on the dreams of that child inside me, to try and fulfill the image i had of what a woman should be.
Back then, i was never that woman, i was not a woman atall, i didn't allow myself to gradually grow into one, i just pushed myself into behaving as one, while all the time i had the experiences of a child.
I am no longer that girl, nor i am the woman i thought i should be, I am someone new to me, someone i enjoy discovering more with each new experience. Admittedly i am effected by what happenned to that girl i left behind, but she is my past.
From time to time i hurt for her, but most of the time i feel just thankful that i bade her farewell...