الأحد، ديسمبر 04، 2011

State: Zero

Photo by @Mo3atef

I feel as if someone sucked all the energy out of me.

I have no magic tricks, nothing to lift away the heaviness. Just the trick of sleep. Endless hours of sleep willing time to pass, and when I wake up it takes me hours to convince myself to get out of bed, many times I just simply don't.

Remember our recent fight , I yelled at you saying " You know me better"  
I was mad and really really tired of trying so hard not to fail you & everyone else, trying so hard to do what's "right" and despite my misdirected anger  you replied " I don't, I didn't know my little sister could pull off such a successful campaign!"  and instantly just like magic my anger was gone, I sat next to you  and cried my heart out.

I need to cry my heart out to you now.
I need to talk to you about silly trivial things:

 Love and how I am failing miserably at it,
 My research and how passionless i feel about it these days.
 The endless stories of grief  I keep on hearing from families of detainees, missing & martyrs 
and failing to do anything "real" about any of them.

Instead, I'll go sleep now and tomorrow I'll go to work.
I'll smile politely at everyone and ensure them you are fine.
I'll be all strong and capable, while deep down inside I know they've at last managed to make me feel ... defeat.

هناك 7 تعليقات:

nari يقول...

Just a long tight hug..

غير معرف يقول...

as a follower to you and to all your great family members, i sure you a real fighter and strong to face all the world, just sometimes the knight need a moment of silence and return again to his/her battles.

I could of say i know you better (at least from your tweets)

Nermeen يقول...

OUCH !!
you have no idea how much that hurt ME..
no, you haven't known defeat.. you can't know defeat ..I don't even think it's in your dictionary.. and he wouldn't want you to feel this way..
I know life sucks these days, but hey, it will be worth it, soon enough.. and you'll have a LOT to tell your nephew, and your own children..
nothing in the world can possibly comfort you now, I know that.. and that's why I'll stop talking now.. and just remind you that his warm wide hug is still there, just hidden behind some stupid walls, and when have walls ever stop us ?? they never really did..
lighten up.. tomorrow is another day.. he'll be free, Khaled will come to life, and know what his father, and aunt did, and he'll be proud.. and it will all be worth it :)
go get some sleep
i love u

sally moussa يقول...

its o.k. to feel defeat, you are going through a v. difficult time in your life but be sure it will all pass & all this misery will be washed away the moment you see alaa free soon inshaa allah just keep telling yourself tomorrow is always coming & its a new day. you are a wonderful person you dont have to be brave or strong all the time being weak at times thats what makes us compassionate humans 

Ehab يقول...

if you are defeated then we are dead, I always respect you for what you do and what you say , and please take your time and get back ,

Momen El-Husseiny يقول...

Ur words move the stone, ur feelings shake our senes. Ur fragility as a human is at the same time your power to the hearts of people.
Stay Human, Stay Hopeful.
And never lose ur smile no matter how helpless.
Everything will come back to you, just hang on :)

fateimad يقول...

ابنتي مني تعجبينني في ضعفك القوي وتعجبينني في استقوائك الضعيف انت انسانه بكل ماتحمله هذه الكلمه من معاني خيره انسانه قويه للناس مكافحه رائعه لاتمل الكفاح حتي وان لم تحصل الهدف المنشود حالا وشابه رقيقه قويه المشاعر حنينه انت شخصيه مانحه معطاءفكوني كما انت عيشي مشاعرك صفيها برقتك صفيها بعزيمتك واليوم سمعت عن مولد ابن اخيكي وصفيك علاء ان شاء الله ذهب عنك التباطؤ والتكاسل والارهاق وليد جديد حب جديد رأيت وجهك تحملينه عمه رؤوم محبه رقيقه صافيه الحب ادعوا الله لمنال ان تكون معكم الفتره القادمه وان شاء الله أحضان الوليد البرئ تعوض مشاعرك الرقيقه وادعو لأخيك ان يفك الله أسره وان تتمتعي بكل العائله مجتمع شملهاحول حب وليكم الجديد وان شاء الله تشوفي مولودك