Bygones

I am scared of being alone.

I claim to be a solitary person, a person who appreciates her isolated bubble, but I abandon my bubble most of the time just because I am scared of being alone.

ًWhenever I like a guy, I focus on the things in him that are missing in my life and blur out the rest. I fool myself into thinking I am in love and it could last.
It's not like I do this on purpose. When it is happening I totally believe I am in love. It's only when I step out and away that I realise the true depth of my feelings.

I love being in love.I love falling in love, this journey of discovery you embark on when you get to be with someone new, and the feeling that, right now, your are leaving your own  scent  in someone's memory .

I've never been really alone. I always had someone on my mind, someone occupying a big part of my thoughts and plans. 

I needed this presence in my life, someone on whom I could project my imaginery world.

But He was different.
 He was different because despite the harsh way with which things ended, I truly loved him.

I know loving him was an important experience for me. Something I had to go through to be who am I now.

I owe him many of the new layers and colors I've gained through the past years. 
With him I discovered a sensual side in me that I've always dreamed of but never truly felt.
In loving him I explored an amazingly wide spectrum of emotions. He'd come in the room and I'd melt on the spot, he'd write me that he misses me and my butterflies  flutter, he'd smile at me and I'd completely dissolve in colors. Together we explored the sexiness of words, of textures, light, lines, colors and curves. 

When I first saw him I dove right into love.Thiss sweet chidish rush-on love. 
There was something incredibly sexy about his grounded knowledgable manner, the grace with which he walks, his obssession with details. 
I was so mesmerized.

I was so in love. 

Then my feelings changed. They were not these volcanic costantly stirred up emotions. They settled down a bit. There was a peaceful element I have never experienced before. I loved just  studying while he sits close by, snuggling close to him while he is talking all serious with friends.I was warm and content.

Then one day I woke up and it was all in the past. It all belonged to a less complicated, more translucent version of myself.

I can not explain how this all changed in me. There were many layers to this decision: Exhaustion, my need to be free to explore other worlds, and a cold wall of loneliness that slowly isolated me from him and our colors.
.

My conviction that this was the right decision never wavered, but whenever I look back I long for the intensity with which I received every small gesture of him. 
I long for a time where life was simple, where it was all about the right music, the right color and a flare of imagination.